People tell me that I seem older than I am. They say I am “mature”. They say I am wise. But sometimes these attributes are my own personal downfall… I am constantly wanting something different, something new, and somewhere else. I don’t mean materialistically, but mentally. The thought of being stuck in this high school for two more years shakes me to the bone. I cannot fathom sitting through two more years of useless, boring classes. School is my prison. I cannot focus on anything when I’m there… except the bell that rings every day at 2:40. There aren’t many people here who really get me… I don’t even really get me sometimes. What I need more than anything else is to get out of this town, and explore the world and all of its people. I have been very blessed to be raised the way I have-I have been given opportunities that many others have not. I have travelled a bit, and met some very special people. That’s the problem… the best people in my life live far away (at least most of them). And want to know something? Most of these great people are older than me by at least a few years. I don’t mind though. I seem to get along better with people who have a few more years under their belt than me. I don’t know why… maybe it goes along with that whole “wise beyond my years” thing that people are always throwing at me.
I don’t know why I am the way I am, but I can’t change it… not that I ever would. People have told me that I am special, unique, and beautiful. I think that we, humans, have a hard time seeing these things in ourselves. It’s so much easier to say “He or she is such a wonderful person. I wish I could be like them” rather than look in the mirror and say ”wow. I am something special”. At least… that’s how it is for me. I will not deny that I have helped people or made a difference in somebody’s life… but it’s not something that is easy to say. I think that’s something that you have to feel within your soul for it to be true. You know that you have truly inspired or helped someone when you look at them, and your heart says “A part of them was changed for the better because of you”. It’s not something that you have to say out loud. It’s something that you feel in your gut.
So what do humans strive for? Perfection perhaps? But what is perfection? There is no true definition… perfection can be viewed by one person based on features, body, and looks. To another, perfection can be quirks, flaws, and uniqueness. I cannot say how I would define perfection. My life is far from perfect, but I would not have it any other way. Without flaws we could not survive. If there was ultimate perfection, there would be nothing to strive for. What do I strive for? I should probably be saying “good grades” or a “scholarship”… but I don’t really care that much about that stuff. School is shitty. I am on the honor roll, but I don’t apply myself as much as I could… maybe I should. Sure. I am a smart person, and I am not going to lie, when I really put my mind to it, I can be an amazing student. But I don’t want to be a student. I am going to be a junior in high school this year, and I am already wishing I was out of college. That is certainly a mix for terrible break downs in the future…
What do I want to do with my life? Man, I have no fucking idea. Maybe it’s this “old soul” thing that makes me want to be about 6 years older. I want to be old enough to have freedom, but young enough to still have fun. I am by no means wishing my youth away- in fact, I fear growing old. Actually, it’s not growing old I fear… it’s growing old alone that I fear. I know I won’t, but it’s a stupid thing that I worry about sometimes. I know that I should be focusing on school right now, but it’s so hard. I just hate it so much. I think it’s because as a kid I focused so much on school that I lost sight of everything else. I have always been a bit different I guess… but as a kid I didn’t know how to embrace it. I would hide away from everyone else and only cared about grades. Once, many years ago, I cried over getting one A- in a sea of straight As and A+s. As I got older I shed that skin, and some of what that skin strived for.
I truly believe that my future lies in the music industry. I would like to be someone who works with a band, and their fans. I think I would be good at this because I know what it means to be a devoted, loyal follower of a band. I know what it takes to go from being a nobody, to a familiar face in the crowd to the musicians I adore. I know how music can change a life, and heal a soul. I think some people in the music industry have lost sight of these things… I would like to be a contributer to bringing back the true meaning of music. Just today I had a meeting with the manager of a band that I have been following for years. I learned what goes on “behind the scenes”, and was offered the opportunity to help out. If I can contribute in even the smallest way to seeing this band rise up (and they certainly have the potential) I will die a happy person. I do believe that working with musicians is my life’s purpose.
Being an “old soul” is bittersweet. This high school thing is lame… but I will find my way eventually. Between now and next summer, I hope to see certain faces again. There are a few people I have met over the past year who have made a huge difference in my life, and they deserve to know that. So here I go. I shall continue on my journey of self seeking, and soul searching. I don’t know where I will be 2 years from now, but I have to believe that if the Universe continues to be so kind to me, it will be somewhere wonderful.
I am just a wandering soul… thank you for being part of my journey.