Well she wants to live her life...

A problem I have with my art is finding inspiration. I am the type of person who can either be entirely devoted to something, or have no interest at all. There isn’t much in between for me. I am not the type of person who will settle for :

“Oh, this painting is not my best work, but I’ll just keep it anyway.”

nope…I’m more like…

“This is piece of shit, and I’m starting over! *crumples up painting*”

Although this mindset can become rather frustrating at times, it works for me. It pushes me to do my best. I have never finished a piece of art that I thought was perfect. I always see something that I could have done better. The small flaws that nobody else notices in my work stick out to me like a sore thumb-I suppose many artists feel this way about their work.

Now you see, my problem is that I work very fast when I am inspired by somethig, but I cannot work at all when I am not. If I decide to paint a portrait, I finish it in a matter of hours, and I rarely alter it after I sign my name. With this being said, I do not sign my name until I am ready to put the painting aside, and begin a new project. Most of my inspirations come from people, and music. If I am painting or drawing a particular band or artist, I only listen to their music while I work. It works for me.

Ok, so my reason for telling you all of this is because I need you to understand how hard it is for me to find an inspiration sometimes. Not life inspiration, but artistic. Currently, I am starting a project in school. We are making accordion books that are to act as a ‘personal narrative’. I have been contemplating ideas for a while now, and have come to the conclusion that all of YOU have become my inspiration.

YOU: the ones who read my blogs.

YOU: The ones who I talk to on Twitter/ Facebook.

YOU: the ones who have sent me beautiful messages

YOU: the ones who believe in me

YOU: the ones who tell me to never give up

YOU: the ones who have made me feel like a good person.

You are all beautiful.

So here’s the idea:

For those of you who have read previous blogs, you know that I believe in the stars, the Universe, and the sky. I would like to incorporate all of the sky into my project. As for the other part….

(psst….this where YOU come into play….)

I have been reading through tumblr, twitter, and Facebook messages. I have written down some of the things that you have all said to me. The things that made me smile, the things that warmed my heart, the things that made me cry with joy. My idea is write small quotes that have made me feel special on the pages. Quotes from all of YOU. You see, this project is supposed to be personal. I think it would be very special to have this project forever; it would be my inspiration. All of the beautiful things that have changed me for the better wrapped up into one book. It would be the kind of thing that I could flip through when I am feeling down. I could read through the beautiful words that you have all gifted me with. No matter what, I will always know that someone believes in me.

My concern is this….does this sound cocky? DO I sound like I am saying:

“Oh look at me, I am so great. Look all the nice things people say about me!”

Because that is NOT what I am trying to get at. This is meant to be a way to put together the voices that inspire me….YOUR voices. I will not be directly quoting anybody, but I promise you, I know exactly who said each quote that will be used. Your words have impacted me so much that I know them by heart.

I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being my inspiration. Thank you for being my heroes. Thank you for changing my life with your kind words.

You are all beautiful people, and I wish I could personally thank each and every one of you.

Much Love,

Charlotte

I’m not falling back into past, but the cold, hard truth has finally hit me.

The truth is, I am the only one who has learned from the past. The truth is, you still put me down. You still judge everything. You still make me feel like I’m not good enough for you; and it’s not fair. You are supposed to be the mature one. You are supposed to accept me for who I am no matter what.

But you cannot seem to do that.

Well, in your defense, I am not myself around you. See the thing about that is, you have never accepted the parts of the real me I have tried to show you. You always wonder why I would rather sit in my room than socialize with you. It’s because being around you brings me down. You think I am depressing. You think I am boring. You think there is next to nothing interesting about me. You think I am obssesive. You think I have no friends. You think I am careless.

You tell me I should be more involved in school, but when I tell you about the clubs I am interested in, you roll your eyes. If it’s not what you want, it’s just not enough for you. Yes, you have been better about some things. You have learned to deal with certain aspects of me, but letting me dye my hair again is not enough. You need to learn how to be accepting of all of me, or you will find that you will get none of me.

What happened last year was awful for both of us, but I think I was blinded by appologies. I was so grateful to appologize, and end our fighting that I seemed to overlook the fact that nothing was solved. We said sorry to each, and we haven’t fought since then, but nothing really changed. I suppose for me, I became more accpeting of the things about you that bother me. I learned how to ignore it when you say harsh, judgemental things. I learned that I must not pounce on everything you say. But did you learn? Whether or not you know it, you still make me feel like a dissapointment. I suppose that is another thing I learned; I cannot allow you to make me feel bad about myself. It’s hard sometimes. It’s very hard. You say things that are mean sometimes-you probably do not even know you do it. But, I decided that nobody has the right to bring me down. By separating myself from you, I have found that I am a far more mature person. I am wiser. I am positive. I love life. I find beauty everywhere. I wish I could say this all to your face. I wish I could sit down and tell you how I feel about the world. I wish I could tell you about what I am interested in; but I am not comfortable around you. I feel like I have to hide myself from you-thus causing me to seem like a dull, bland person. I wish more than anything that you could understand.

You think I have no friends, but I have plenty. I may not have many close friends, but I am the type of person who would rather have a bunch of acquaintances and one or two close friends. I do not trust easily. I have friends all over the world, but you seem to refuse to accept that they are true friends. You say that we cannot be friends, we have never met. You do not understand. You never will because you refuse to listen to anything I have to say about them. I am sorry for that; you are just so closed-minded sometimes.

Maybe someday I will be able to be myself around you. Maybe not. I have learned to put on a smile, and enjoy what I can. I just wish I could get excited that we will be looking at art schools in Calirfornia together next year; but I know you will not be the one going with me. You can’t be bothered to go that far to look at a school I won’t be going to-at least not in your mind. When will you get it through your head that I will not be going to Brown? ha! That’s a whole other issue. I would never go to the same school as him. It wasn’t until recently that I expressed to you my opinions of him. I love how you think that you are the dictator of my opinions. Trust me, it has nothing to do with you. I have felt the way I feel about him for a long time. I can form my own thoughts, thank you very much.

I am sorry. Some things have gotten better, but in my opinion they have only gotten better because they were swept under the rug. I am probablly wrong though.

You know who you are.

Too bad you will never read this.

~C

***To anyone who is reading this: this is not about you. The person who this is about will not be reading this. I just needed to let go of frustration. I am entirely fine, and just as happy as ever. I am just frustrated that somebody cannot accept me for who I am. It’s ok though. I have accepted the fact that I have to hide myself around them- I am a huge advocate of being yourself, but this is different. I do not change myself around this person. I just hide myself. 

No matter how horrible things get,

No matter how badly you feel,

No matter how many people turn their backs on you,

No matter how big or small your problem,

I will always be here for you.

No matter what.

I do not care if I know you.

I do not care if you live in Antarctica.

I will always be here for you.

I cannot even begin to express how much it breaks my heart to read posts about people who wish to harm themselves. It pains and frustrates me to read posts about people who feel as though nobody cares about them; posts about people who feel worthless. How can I convince them that they are not worthless? Will anything I say truly make a difference? Do they believe that I actually care? The truth is, I do care. I care very much about the well-being of every creature. I believe that every creature who was granted life has a right to live that life to the fullest. I believe every creature has a purpose, and a reason for being alive. Although life can be very unfair, and at times quite difficult to manange, you must never give up.

Although some people face problems that I could never imagine, I feel in my heart that there is a solution to every problem. I do not believe that the Universe would allow a problem that cannot be solved. With that being said, not all solutions come easily, and many require commitment and determination. The most important thing to remember is that it will get better.

No. I am not you.

No. I do not live your life.

No. I do not know your problems.

No. I do not understand how you feel.

No. I will not judge you for anything

No. I will never give up on you.

No. The world would not be better off without you.

No. You are not me, and you do not know how much I really care.

If you are reading this, and this has made any sort of impact on you, I cannot tell you how grateful I am for that. If you are reading this, and know somebody who could benefit from knowing that somebody out there cares about them, please pass it on. If you are reading this, and you still feel all alone, for that I am sincerely sorry. Know that whether or not I understand anything at all about you, I will never judge you. Know that you can send me a message whenever you want, about anything you want, and I will always respond as soon as I possibly can.

Please, hear me out. You are loved, and cared about. You are beautiful.

Much Love,

Charlotte

How do you help somebody who is convinced that they are beyond helping? How do you convince said people that somebody out there truly cares about them?

These questions come about because I know what it is like to feel scared, hopless, and alone. I remember how it felt to wonder if anything would ever get better. I remember when I used to think it was me against the world. I would hide away in my room and listen to music. Rather than talk about my problems, I would keep them locked up inside until I yelled and cried. I formed habits that I never imagined I would. I was so upset for reasons that I do not fully understand, that waking up in the morning became a hassle. I wished that I could  sleep all day because in my dreams, life was beautiful. In my dreams, I could be who I wanted to be. While I know this all sounds terrible, I want you to know that I am sharing it for a valid reason.

Although I was once far more negative than I like to think about, I learned how to overcome my negativity. I learned how to man up, and face my problems. I learned how to deal with the things in life that were pulling me down. I broke my habits. I deleted my angry playlists. But now, I am more positive than I have ever been. I learned how to smile. I stopped stressing. I broke free.

Now, you may be wondering where this is all suddenly coming from. Well, some how I got to this blog-I think because I was reblogging something- and all of the posts were heart-breaking. The blog owner admits to being suicidal. Admits to depression. Admits to cutting. Admits to having an eating disorder. And honestly, it broke my heart. I started crying. I cannot handle seeing someone feel so pained, and broken. I never suffered from the intensity of negativity that this person does, but it still hit home for me. I wish that I could call everyone who has ever felt so bad about life that they wish the end their life. I would tell them that they are beautiful. Tell them that this world would not be the same without them. I wish I could give every single person suffering from depression a hug, and tell them that I love them. I wish I could convince every single person that if they were insignificant, the Universe would not have wasted the energy granting them life. Every single life has a meaning, and a purpose. Every single creature has a reason for being alive; whether that reason be big or small, it is a reason all the same. I sincerely believe that.

It kills me to see people who do not believe that they belong on this Earth. Absolutely nobody deserves to feel so badly about themselves, that they wish to end their life. Nobody deserves to harm themself. Nobody deserves to feel that this life is a constant stuggle. Yes, life can be very hard at times, but it should be looked at as an adventure rather than a struggle. Life is a beautiful, delicate, gift.

To anyone reading this who feels as though they need help: I am always here for you. No matter who you are. No matter how old or young you are.

I. AM . ALWAYS. HERE.

If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.

If you need someone to talk at, someone who will just listen, I’m here.

send a message in my ask box.

email me: charlottenagy96@gmail.com

tweet me: @charlottenagy

anything. Just let me know that you need help, and I will do all that I can to help you.

Help will always be given to those who ask for it

~Dumbledore

You are beautiful, spectacular, amazing, fantastic, wonderful

and you deserve the best in life.

No matter who you are, you are worth it.

Please know that I am entirely serious about helping you if you need it ;)

Much Love,

Charlotte

Well, that was a fantastic suprise.

No yelling.

No fighting.

Just family =)

Thanks to whoever or whatever is looking out for me ;)

While I am grateful for my family, I must be honest with you. This Thanksgiving is going to be an utter shit show.

My step-dad hates his brother.

Who doesn’t really like his parents.

Who hate my mom.

Who gets along with my step-dad’s brother.

Who has a daughter who hates us all.

Whose step-brother and sister are the only ones I really want to see.

Who are disliked by pretty much everyone but me.

Who is going to be silently eating waiting for the food fight to start.

Not to mention the beast dog is going to eat at least half of us before the night ends.

Yes, my family is slightly problematic.

Yes, I know how to deal with them all.

No, I’m not particularly thrilled to see them all.

Yes, I will make it through.

No, I don’t know how.

Yes, they are family therefore I love them all.

Today is one of the few holidays that has no affiliation with religion, and all to do with love.

Whether or not you have lived in America your entire life, or just a few years, today is a day to be thankful not only for our country, but also for all the little things in life.

I am grateful to have been blessed with beautiful friends, and a large, diverse family.

I am grateful that I live in a beautiful area so close to beach; I don’t know that my life would be complete without sand in  my hair.

I am grateful that I go to one of top public schools in the nation.

I am grateful that I have been finding inpirations for my art.

One of the things in life that I am most thankful for is that I realized at a young age that I can be whoever I want to be, and absolutely nobody has the right to tell me otherwise. I learned how to ignore the people who put me down. I learned how to put on a smile, and give people what they want.

I am grateful that I chose art and music. My life would not be what it is today if I had given up my art. Although I get frustrated by lack of inspration at times, I have never had a feeling as rewarding as being inspired, and seeing my inspiration come to life as art. While am I not particularly musically talented myself, music is a huge part of my life. I listen to so many different styles of music, and I find a different meaning in each kind. I find myself inspired daily by musicians, and without music I would not be the person I today; of that I am positive.

Music saved me at a dark time in my life, and not just music, but the people behind it. I am so grateful that I was able to overcome my obstacles, and move on. 

I am also more grateful than I can say for all the beautiful people in my life. I have so many friends who truly change my life with every word they say. If I listed all of them all, and why I am grateful to have them in my life, I would be writing for five days straight. To all of those I call my friends, please know that I love you dearly, and cannot thank you enough for being so kind to me. You are all beautiful people.

Of course, where would I be without my family. I am grateful that I have been able to grow up with so many different, wonderful people. I have beautifully diverse group of people in my family, and for that I am more than grateful.

There is so much to be thankful for, and I have not covered half of it. Although I must say, I feel that I have covered the most important parts.

I am thankful that people read my blogs. I am grateful that I have been able to inspire a few people.

Much Love, and happy holidays,

Charlotte

thehilariousblog:

Scrolling forever and finding nothing interesting on my dash.

 
Or reblogging everything in sight.

Follow TheHilariousBlog for more LOLs

Ok, wanna hear it?

I’ll tell you anyway ;)

So, my taste in music is quite varied, and I have this theory that my artistic style changes depending on what music I am listening to. I believe that different music puts you in different moods. I am going to pick about 5 artists who are pretty different from each other, and see how their music effects my art. These are the artists I am thinking right now.

Quincy Mumford

Into the Presence

Allen Stone

Train

Green Day

I’m excited for this! =)

Outside my window I can hear the rain pounding against the Earth.

Tomorrow, perhaps the rain will stop, and the air will smell fresh. The ground will still be wet, but everything will be crisp and clean. I love the rain.