he’s spectacular. His song “Waiting” is beautiful, and just all around makes me feel good about myself. He is a very talented dude from Seattle. I hope that he makes it to the East coast, or perhaps I will make it out to Seattle someday; either way, I want to see him live!
"keep your hope alive, belief in your mind, yeah you know. When you’re tired of waiting….happiness is waiting"
Hector Maldonado tweeted about him last night. He is fantastic. I cannot get over his vocals-VERY talented! His music is very soulful, and deep. He is coming to NYC soon, and I’m trying to figure out how to sneak into the bar and see him ;) I particularly love his song “Last to Speak”
Me and my thoughts: a level deeper than ever before.
Have you ever been in a terrible mood, but no matter how hard you tried, you just could not explain why? Not even to yourself?
This is how feel right now, and I despise the feeling. It’s not just that I hate feeling down, but I feel terribly guilty about it too. I feel like I’m being a huge bitch to the Universe for feeling so sad. The past few months have been the best months of my life. The Universe has been far more kind to me than I am worthy of, and I am endlessly grateful for that. I appologize sincerley for feeling this way. Nothing bad has happened to me! Only good things!
I would like to say that I am sad because the Save Me, San Francisco Tour has ended, and not to say that I’m not a little sad, but that’s really not it. I love all of the wonderful members of Train, and I am so happy that they are getting a chance to go home (even though they are not getting a very long break) to be with the ones they love. I am happy that we will be getting new music soon. I am so grateful that they came into my life.
Wow, I’ve been writing an re-writing this blog for so long trying to get it right, and you know what? I am feeling so much better. I cried a bit. Maybe that helped? I think my problem is that I keep things bottled up too much.
I need to learn how to be myself with the people who are closest to me. I think if I opened up, and acted like myself to my family, I would find that everything would be so much better. I can’t explain exactly why I find it more difficult to be myself around the people who I am closest too- I can’t explain why it is hardest to say “I love you” to the people who I should be saying it to the most. I really can’t explain it at all. Maybe it’s because I know that the friends I surround myself with are my friends because they like who I am; not just because they are related, and feel obligated to like me. I suppose my mind works differently than that of some other people. Most people would say they are most comfortable around their family because they care too much about what friends will think; but I just don’t think that way. I know my friends like me, or they wouldn’t be my friends…right?
Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that families only like each other because they feel obligated. That is not at all what I am trying to get at. Perhaps it is because I have grown up in a very confusing, large, jumbled family. I don’t remember what it is like to have two parents together. I don’t have any siblings from my birth parents. I half two half siblings, and they are great, but we are so far apart in age that it is not a super close relationship. I regret that sometimes, but they have each other, and they get along so well. I could never explain this to my mom because it would upset her so much, but having half siblings just isn’t the same as having siblings from the same parents. The mommy and daddy that they talk are about are not the same ones I have.It suddenly hit me that I think one of the reasons our relationship is not amazing is that I have been jealous of them since the day they were born. I can say in all honesty that this apithany just hit me. They have gotten the opportunity to grow up with both of their parents together. Something I never was, and never will be able to do; I shouldn’t be jealous though. I should be happy for them. GOSH. I’m confusing myself. I’m terribly sorry if you have read this far…I’m sure this is painful to read =S
I suppose another part of my difficulty with family comes from how I am an awkward person, and I don’t like serious relationships, friendships, etc. It seems that as soon as I get very close to someone I start to push them away. Maybe that’s why family is hard for me? I think I am so afraid of being hurt by people, that I only let a very special few get close to me. I think my parents divorce effected me more than I think; I think I’m so afraid that love won’t last, that I push it away and don’t give it a chance. I don’t even know what I am saying anymore. I have been writing this blog for 3 hours now.
I am feeling so much better though. I know that I need to try harder with my family. I know they love me, and worry about me. I know that if they really knew me, they wouldn’t worry. They would realize how much of a happy person I am. Why am I so damn afraid to be that person around them? I wish I knew, really I do. I think it’s my whole thing with getting too close to people. I’ll work on that.
For now, I know that my wonderful friends from all over the world are my safe haven. I love you guys so much, and I hope you know it. I don’t want you to think this blog is in any way saying that just because I can easily tell you I love you means that I care about you any less. That is not what this means at all. I’m just trying to get across that it is hard for me to understand family because I have never had a solid one. I love my family though. I have many cousins who are wonderful. My aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents, and siblings are incredible, and I am grateful for them everyday.
My family is very confusing. I have two sets of parents. I have four sets of grandparents. I have cousins who are technically not related to me at all. I have second cousins. I have close family friends who may as well be family. It’s craziness. Some cousins I get along with great. Some of us have fake relationships. Some of us have no relationship at all. But all in all, we are family. We must stick together. We must love and accept one another. I love and accept all of my family; I am just so afraid of not being accepted by them that I shut myself out. I don’t tell them I love them enough. I will fix that. It may not be an immediate fix, but I will work on it. I promise this to the Universe.
As I was finishing up this blog, “Way You Are” by Kris Orlowski was playing. It made me feel amazing about myself. Check out the song if you get a chance. Kris is quite amazing.
*Exhales deeply* Of all the personal blogs I have written, this one was the most difficult for me. If you read this far, thank you. If you think I’m a pyscho freak, I don’t blame you.
I'm not crying, I just have Train Dust in my eye...
No, seriously. There is so much Train Dust ALL OVER ME!
Ok, it’s not the first time Train has brought me to tears; but it is one of the first times that my Train memories have. I’m not sad that Erie is over. I’m grateful, and blessed that it happened. I suppose I should mention that my tears are not coming from sadness at all.
It was just over a year ago that I saw Train live at PNC Bank Arts Center in NJ for the very first time. August 3,2010. Of course, I knew Meet Virginia, Drops of Jupiter, and a few other songs. As a matter of fact, Meet Virginia and Drops were my childhood anthems. They were my first ever favorite songs. I just was not a ‘Weirdo Trainiac’ yet ;)
My first real Train concert was when I saw the guys headlining at the Union County Music Festival on 9/11/10.
Ok, so what I am trying to get at with all this is this: If someone were to tell me that someday I would stand front row at a Train concert, be a Trainette twice, MEET the band, and hang out with the guys after a show I never would have believed them. I would have smiled and thought ‘Yeah right. Somebody like ME could NEVER have all that happen to them. Train doesn’t care about a 15 year old girl. Train will never know my name.’
That is the most important lesson Train has taught me over the past year, and mainly over the summer: You must believe. You must believe that your dreams can come true. You must believe there is no dream too big, or too crazy. It’s the moment that you start to doubt yourself, that dreams begin to crumble. I remained a determined little Trainiac, and sure enough, it all paid off. Please, whether your dreams include music or not, just hear me out, your dreams can come true. If my dreams can come true, anybody’s can.
Of course, there will be dreams that you decide to disregard as you grow older. Your desires will change in time. But, in order for any dream to come true, one must take into consideration the amount of devotion you must have for that dream. If you dream of going to Harvard, you must study hard. If you dream of being a professional athlete, you must train hard.
For me, I am devoted to Train and my friends who I have made over the past year. The amount of love that Train shares with us fans is like no other. I worked, and worked to show Train how much I love them, and you know what? They know. But you see, as lucky as I am to be blessed by the Universe, it drives me crazy when my friends say “Oh you are just so lucky. I wish I had your luck. You got to meet your favorite band twice!” It’s not just luck! I worked so hard to create a project ( that would not have been possible without the love and support of my wonderful friends), write letters, and express my gratitude towards Train. I worked so hard to earn the things that I did from the Universe. I believe that something out there recognized me, and decided that this summer would be the beginning of something very beautiful.
While living in the moment, my life is currently a rush of love and excitement-but when I take a step back and really think about all that has come to me, I am amazed. It is hard for me to believe how far I have come not only as a Train fan, but as a person. The memories I hold are beautiful. The friends I have (including those who are not Train fans) are incredible, irreplaceable people. My world is spinning so beautifully, and I am so fortunate and grateful for that.
For now, I will sit back and look through all my wonderful pictures. So many wonderful people have come into my life because of Train. I am so grateful for everything that I have been given over the past year. I honestly do not know where I would be without Train; their music saved my life.
Thank you to the Universe for being so very kind to me. Something happened during that meteor shower this summer, and I truly believe that the shooting stars granted my wishes. Not only was I able to meet the Train guys at the Today Show, but also in Erie. If someone had simply told me that I would be front row at a Train concert a year ago, I never would have believed them.
The Universe is a beautiful mystery.
Thank you Pat, for being an incredible man, and an incredible inspiration. Your lyrics, blogs, and kind words have changed my life. I was so grateful that I was far more calm in Erie than I was in NYC. I was actually able to talk to you this time. Your beautiful note on my “Pat Head” poster means the world to me. You are a human angel. Thank you for taking the time to talk to Blair, and man, you sure did make Ruby and Ross HAPPY! They were both honored to be meeting you for the first time! Dude, I am so happy for Ross-he got one hell of a first Train concert! <3 Thank you Pat; and when I thanked Emeilia for sharing you with us, I truly meant it. It must be so hard for your family to let you go for so long, but it really means the world to all of us Weirdo Trainiacs. Until next time! Thank you for making me feel like a friend <3
Thank you Hector. You were so kind to me, and made me feel so comfortable talking to you! I can honestly tell you that out of everyone I met in Erie, I was most excited to meet you ;) You are funny, kind, thoughtful, and fun! You really are an amazing man, Hector. I hope that your music continues to give you that special feeling, and I know that no matter what happens, it will be beautiful! It means so much to me that you took the time to read through the Trainiac Today Show Project letters. I honestly meant it when I told you that you are an incredible inspiration. I hope you know how much all of us fans love you! You and I talked for so long at Skeeters, and it made me feel so special! Thank you so much for being such a wonderful dude. My cowbell is sitting on my book shelf proudly sporting your beautiful note, and that special gold blob ;) You were so worried about ruining the cowbell with that, but seriously, it added something very special to it! I’ll let you know how my Spanish test went as soon as I get it back ;)-if you never hear from me, I probablly failed >.< Thank you, Hector. You are my hero! I hope to see you soon, my friend! <33
Thank you Moose, Ana, Mini Moose, Thomas, Jimmy, Pergo, and all the rest of the wonderful crew! You are all wonderful, beautiful people, and were all so kind to me! Thank you all for working so hard to make the SMSF Tour possible!
To everyone involved with Train: Please, rest up, and enjoy your time with your families, and friends. You have all worked so very hard over the past few years, and you all deserve plenty of time for yourselves.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. The Save Me, San Francisco Tour changed my life in so many ways. I have so many memories that will never be forgotten. I have a special warmth inside my heart that will never die.
Drum roll please...Hector! and Thomas, and Jimmy =)
I’d like to say I’m well rested, and ready to write, but that would be a lie. At least partially. I’m ready to write though!
Ok, for those of you who don’t understand the whole “More Cowbell” thing, you have to Youtube the SNL Cowbell Skit. It’s kind of an inside joke between the Twitter Trainiacs and Hector =]
So, for Erie I made a bunch of signs, but my favorite and the one I held said “I <3 Hector” on one side, and “More Cowbell?” on the other. The first time Hector saw it, I was holding it on the “I <3 Hector” side, and he smiled. Then I turned it around, and he laughed; it was fantastic! After Hey, Soul Sister played, the guys walked off stage, and Hector threw a guitar pick right at me! Unfortunately it landed on the ground between the stage, and the railing where I was standing. I reached for it, but couldn’t get it. Then a security guard picked it up, and another one said “Hey, give me that! I want it!” I was so mad, but it turned out to be just fine because the guys came back to play Words, Drops of Jupiter, and This Ain’t Goodbye. This time when they left the stage I started playing the cowbell and Beth held up the “More Cowbell?” sign. Hector laughed, and threw me another pick! It hit me in the face, and then fell into my bag. I was soooo happy!
After the show, we saw Hector scurry by, but could tell he was in a rush to head out. I was so bummed that I didn’t get to meet him, or get my cowbell signed! In the end, my dad got Pat to sign my cowbell- but (and don’t get me wrong, I love Pat, but I don’t know if he knows the whole cowbell story) I just kept thinking to myself, ‘but it’s not the same as Hector’.
That all changed very quickly ;)
After the concert we (our whole big group of weirdos) walked to Skeeters. Right away we saw Ana, and some of the crew sitting outside. When we walked in, The first person I saw was Hector! He was talking to someone, so I put all my stuff down, and we saw Jimmy! He was very sweet, and stood for pictures, and I showed him my “I <3 Jimmy” sign. When Hector was finished talking, I nervously walked up to him with my sign in one hand, and cowbell in the other. He looked at me and said “Hi Charlotte!” and gave me a hug! I was beyond excited, and happy! He signed my sign, and wrote, “Yes!!! More cowbell is right! =) Thanx so much!” and then he signed the cowbell. Unfortunately, the only Sharpie we had was a gold paint Sharpie that has a tendency to explode…I warned him ahead of time, and sure enough, a big blob of gold paint came out! Poor Hector was all frantic that he had ruined my cowbell, but I told him it didn’t matter because HE did it! I was more concerned about him getting gold paint all over himself! The cowbell reads, ” Thank you soooo much! You’rethebest! Hector”
When all this was over, Hector and I talked for a long time! We talked about where I was from, and how he remembered having two days off in my town (well, a town 5 minutes away from mine), we talked about music, we talked about the Today Show Project, and he thanked me =], and we talked about my Spanish test XD heheh He told me that he would take it for me ;) At one point Hector was playing the cowbell like a pro, and he, Farryn, Kelly, and some others and I were all “Jammin out to Hey, Soul Sister”—It was fantastic! Hector is an amazing guy.
At one point, I talked to Thomas . He is super nice! He told me about the other bands he has managed, he also asked about where I am from, and he too remembered Red Bank. At the very end of the night, he told me “Be careful with that tie dye stuff, someone may think you’re a hippie!” then Mini Moose (at least I’m pretty sure it was him) said, “What’s wrong with that? Hippies are cool!” and Thomas said, “There is no such thing as a cool Hippie!”
lol, Oopsies! Sorry TO, I’m just a DAMN HIPPIE! haha XD
Ok, that’s about all folks! Thanks for tuning in ;)
Actually, I take that back. You can expect one more blog. I need to write my Thank you card to the Universe <3
Ok, here is where I talk all about how AWESOME Moose is!
Moose is Jimmy’s guitar tech, and he is ‘famous’ for doing the She’s On Fire guitar throw with Pat.
I met Moose for the first time at the Today Show in August. I always call his name at concerts, and he usually looks up and laughs =] In Bethlehem, he gave me a bunch of guitar picks! Such a great guy!
So, in honor of Moose, I made my dad a shirt that says “I <3 Moose!” on the front and “Roadie for all the weirdo trainiacs” on the back. When we got to the concert, and Moose was setting up, John and I screamed for Moose. We got his attention, and he pointed at me, so I pointed over at my dad. When he saw him, his jaw dropped, and he started laughing!
After the show, my dad walked up to the stage, and called for Moose again. He camed over to him and said that he loved the shirt, and I said that I had made it! He asked us if he could take a picture! He said “My Mama is gonna love this!” It was so awesome that we made him so happy! Before we left, he gave us a handful of guitar picks! <3
After the show, and our time with Pat, we went to Skeeters down the street. It’s a bar where all the crew go after the Erie shows. When we got there we saw Moose, Hector, Jimmy, Ana, Pergo, and a bunch of the crew. So my dad talked to Moose for a while, and found out that there is a new guy named Andrew who Pat nicknamed “Mini Moose”. My dad had me add “and Mini Moose” to his T-shirt so he could get a picture in between Moose, and Mini Moose hehehe XD
When Moose came up to me, he was all happy and he said, “Hey girl! I remember you from New York!” We stood for a bunch of pictures, and I even got a Moose hug! At one point he started petting my head and everyone was laughing! Then, periodically throughout the night, Moose would do Moose Calls! He would do one, and then eveyone else would respond! Sheri and I were laughing soooo hard! It was the funniest thing ever!
Moose is such a nice guy! He is soo funny, and super sweet!
More to come tomorrow! I am too tired to write anymore tonight!
After the show was over, the entire group and I sat and waited for Pat to come say Hi to us. We sat in a row of seats next to the stage. We were the last in line to see him so we waited for a while, but it was well worth it =]
While we were waiting in line, we saw Jerry, Ana, and Hector all walk by, and we said a quickly “hi” to each of them. As Ana was walking by I showed her the “I <3 Ana” sign I had made, and she loved it! She asked if she could take a picture of it =] I made me so happy to see how much it meant to her; she is incredibly talented, and beautiful! She deserves some Trainaic love too <3
Finally, it was our turn to talk to Pat! I was the very last one on line, which I did not mind at all! There was something about Erie that was very calming to me. As happy as I was to meet Pat, I did not get my typical chattering teeth, or shaking foot, or intense butterflies. I felt very at ease, and very grateful that Pat was spending so much time after the show to say hi to all the people who were there to talk to him; there must have been at least 150 people.
Pat laughed at my dad’s “I <3 Moose” shirt that I had made; he thought it was super cool =]
Pat ended up standing in the middle of a row of seats, and we were all gathered around him. At some point, somebody eiter said something about me, or pointed to me, and Pat said, “Isn’t she incredible?” My heart melted, and I had a huge smile on my face! So when it was finally my turn to talk to Pat, I asked Pat if he would leave a message for my friend Blair. He was happy to do it because he knows Blair =] During the message, Pat says, “Hi Blair, this is Justin Bieber” there is a picture of me cracking up XD
After all of that, I got a Pat hug <3 then we took pictures, and he took my crown and put it on his head! WOOT! He also asked about my “Pat Head” sign because he loved it. It also loved my free hand Bike BOy drawings! He signed my poster with “Charlotte is so beautiful! I <3 U!” and his signature. That short little note means the world to me. Pat has a beautiful soul <3
It finally came to an end, and just before I left Pat, I remembered to tell him that my mom thinks he is cool-he said “I know” ;) hahahaha <3 Then he left with his daughter Emeilia, who I thanked for sharing her dad with us =]
First off, I have to thank Phillip for being so kind to me by insisting that I sit with Kelly in 8th row aisle seats! It if weren’t for Phillip’s kindness, none of my Trainetting would have been possible!
So, Kelly and I started out in our 8th row seats. We had it all planned out that as soon as Pat got the cowboy hat, we would rush the stage; and that it was we did. We were right in front of Jimmy, and right on the railing. I had my “MORE COWBELL?” / “I <3 Hector” sign, my tie dye shirt, and a crown on-just hanging out looking like a weirdo trainiac ;) When Pat walked over our way, he looked at me and kind of giggled and mouthed “Hi, how are you” I smiled and waved at him.
So, Pat started calling up the Trainettes, and when he got to me he pointed and said “Yes you, definitely you. Get up here right now!” So I pulled myself up over the gate, and climbed on to the stage with the help of an awesome crew member. I brought my sign on stage, and immediately walked over to Hector; he smiled and laughed as I showed him both sides! Then, Grace, Farryn, and Lisa found me! It was fantastic! We started dancing, and then Jimmy came up behind me on one side, and Ruby came on the other! Ruby and I jumped around entirely blissful!
After we finished singing, and as we were leaving the stage, Pat tapped my shoulder and said “Hey! You came a long way! How long did it take you?” Just then a little girl ran up and hugged him, so I smiled and told him it took us about 6 hours but was well worth it as I walked off stage.
I was super lucky when I got off stage because I was able to get right back to my railing side standing spot! Now Beth, Lea, and Kelly were there, and we all danced and sang together for the entire show!
Thank you, Pat for choosing me. Thank you for remembering me. Thank you for everything.
I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am to have all of my beautiful, wonderful Trainiac friends! Each and every one of them was more than kind to me, and said things like “You are amazing!” “You’re energy is flowing!” “You are adorable!” everyday(I know it was only a two day adventure, but it felt like at least four). Thank you, everyone. It really meant a lot to me that you had such kind things to say to me. Not once did I ever feel out of place, awkward, or not wanted. I love you all dearly.
First off to my dad-thanks for being such a good sport! You are awesome for driving all the way to Erie and back!
Beth, you pulled the entire trip and concert together for all of us. You are such a a great person, and so kind to me! Thank you so much.
Sheri, I will never forget standing in Skeeters with you doing the Moose Call! Ha! You are quite an amazing lady <3
Farryn, you are one of the most inspirational people I have ever met. You shine with joy, and positivity-LEGALIZE TRAIN DUST! haha
Kelly, wow! Meeting you for the very first time was amazing! I will never forget our first hug, and all the fun we had dancing and singing!
Jill, you are just awesome! I am so glad we live so close to each other! You are fantastic, and 10 years and a week younger than my dad ;)
Karen, you are great! I can’t wait to see your pictures! Thank you for being so kind!
Lea, you are beautiful! Thank you so much for the wonderful necklace, and all the love you spread <3
Lisa, you are such a sweet lady! Thank you for being so kind, and wonderful!
Pam, it was great to finally meet you! Thank you for all your goodies!
Ruby, Ross, it was so great to meet you guys! Ruby, I had so much fun as a Trainette with you, and Ross, dude, you were amazing with Pat <3
Maryanne, it was great to see you again! You are so sweet!
and of course, the father of all Weirdo Trainiacs, John! Thank you, man! You are the funniest dude I have ever met! Thank you for all your wonderful stories, your “wOOt”s, your Erie expertise, and most of all, for being an incredible guy! Grace is a sweetheart, and I had so much fun being a Trainette with her! Your wife and son are also awesome people! Thanks for being a great guy!
Ok, considering I could write a freaking novel about this weekend, I’m going to break it up into multiple blogs. Someone cool once told me that when he writes a blog it has to really come from the heart. So, I’m going to try to skip some of the little, irrelevant details, and highlight the best parts of my trip =]
I suppose that most of these blogs are going to be about people I met, and stories I heard.
I’m going to say it before I say anything else. I am grateful that he provides for me. That I live in a nice town-that I have nice things. I am grateful that as a kid, he was nice to me, and treated me like his. I am grateful for what he does for me.
But there’s a difference between providing well, and treating well.
He’s an asshole. He’s a disgusting, pig. He doesn’t know when or how to stop. He’s a drunk.
I suppose he’s been that way forever, but now that I’m older, I understand more. I notice things. I can tell right away when he’s had too much-and that doesn’t take long.
He’s not my dad so I don’t feel guilty saying that he is a douche bag. Honestly, he complains about everything, and anything. He’s anal about things being orderly, but if he tried to organize something…HA! Like that would ever happen. He is constantly bitching and moaning “Oh I just go to work all day so this family can take my money, and ignore me”
But the biggest problem is his drinking PROBLEM. Yes, problem. Everybody knows that my step-dad is the drunk guy. Everbody knows that if I can’t find my step-dad, I should check the bar. Everybody thinks that I will end up just like my ‘dad’-I CAN’T STAND IT WHEN PEOPLE MISTAKE HIM FOR MY DAD. HE IS MY STEP-DAD. HE WILL NEVER BE MY DAD.
My dad is not a drunken fool. My dad is not an asshole.
I know how hateful all this must sound, but honestly I’m fed up. I’m sick of being judged based on his actions. I’m sick of people thinking of me as the drunk’s daughter. I’m absolutely disgusted by him.
I hope he realizes how much of an ass he makes of himself. I hope he notices that I do not drink because a) after seeing how idiotic he becomes when drunk, I never want to be like that b) If anyone ever saw me drink it would immediately be “She’s just like him”. I will never be like him. I will never be like him. I WILL NEVER BE LIKE HIM.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate people who drink. I don’t hate people who get drunk sometimes. It’s the people like my step-dad, who become swaggering assholes that bother me.
I’m sorry, it was a bad night. I needed to get that off my chest.
Tomorrow, I’m not going to look at him let alone speak to him.
He disgusted me so much tonight. He went over the line, but then again, he always does.
If you drink, that is totally fine. Please, just don’t be an asshole.